Do you also think feedback can be a bit complicated. Then we at Feedwork want to help you.
Can you see yourself in the following scenario? You have a colleague at work who has some inappropriate patterns of behaviour. It could be he's always complaining and creating bad vibes - she doesn't get her tasks done on time, so you always have to work harder up to the deadline or the colleague who feels like stealing your good ideas and taking credit for them. What do you typically do? Many of us probably vent our frustrations to like-minded colleagues until the irritation has steamed off a bit. But why is it that we don't just confront the person who is the source of our irritation? Why is it so difficult to offer constructive feedback to others?
And if you've tended to vent your frustrations just enough, and you're now the source of others' annoyance, what is it that makes us so uncomfortable at the thought of them confronting us about our inappropriate behaviour?
In other words - why is it so difficult to give and receive feedback?
"Man is by nature a social animal " - Aristotle, 350 BC
We humans are pack animals. We are not just because it's nice to have someone to drink a café latte with on a Wednesday afternoon, or someone to complain to when your boyfriend has messed up. We're pack animals because that's the way we've been able to survive for thousands of years. We humans have simply not been able to survive without each other, so we have depended on the herd to accept us and offer us protection. And it is here that we must find the answers to why we have such difficulty giving and receiving feedback.
Will the constructive feedback put myself in a bad light?
Basically, we have a hard time giving feedback because we don't want to put ourselves in a negative light. Will our points be rejected? Is the point even valid? Will others think I'm being unfair? As I said, we are hardwired to seek community approval. We do more or less everything not to damage our social position. In fact, studies show that social rejection activates the same parts of our brain as physical pain does - so evolutionarily speaking, these two experiences are comparable.
"Really good presentation!" - whispers to the other, "that was terrible..."
In fact, we're so uncomfortable telling the hard truth that we'd rather stick someone with a white lie than be completely honest. DePaulo & Bell conducted a study in which a number of subjects were asked to evaluate a series of paintings. They were then introduced to the "artist" of the paintings, who talked about the personal significance of the paintings. The participants are then asked to repeat what they said about the paintings before he came in. One participant went from privately saying "It's ugly. Just ugly", where to the artist it became "I like it. It's my second favourite painting in the collection".
So it's not easy for us to offer our honest, constructive opinions. But maybe it's also hard to give this because we know how hard it can be to receive? How far are we really willing to go to avoid negative feedback?
You don't like the things I do? Goodbye, it was nice knowing you
Dramatic headline? Yes, but there's something about it. A 2017 scientific study shows that we tend to restructure our social networks simply to avoid non-acknowledgement feedback. On the face of it, that sounds like a lot of work to do just to avoid critical pointers directed at us, but there's now a good reason for it.
Our positive self-image must be maintained
All people have a self-image. It is based on how we appear, are understood and regarded by others. This self-perception is thus maintained in our social environment. When someone offers feedback that is more negative than our own self-perception, this feedback will therefore be seen as a threat to our basic positive self-perception - and our position in the social network.
The primordial human in us reacts to this feedback as if it were a threat to our survival because of the imminent danger that we would be excluded from the herd. And what is a typical survival strategy in the face of threats? We flee. We simply restructure our social circle to such an extent that the threat to our positive self-image is eliminated. This is a major reason why we have such difficulty receiving feedback.
The perception of the threat varies from person to person
Do you think that sounds just violent enough, that you would even change your circle of friends to avoid non-acknowledging feedback? Can't you see the trend in yourself? Then you may have a lot of faith in your own abilities.
A scientific study shows that people with high self-esteem respond better to negative feedback than those with low self-esteem. So the threat of negative feedback seems less if you have high self-confidence, which makes a lot of sense, doesn't it? So if you want to be better at receiving negative feedback, there are some tips on how to increase your self-belief.
How can we make it easier?
If you recognise the feeling of sweaty palms and increased pulse when a colleague approaches you with constructive feedback, here's some advice. First of all, it can also help to be the one asking for constructive feedback, so it doesn't come as a shock out of the blue. In addition, it is also easier to receive constructive feedback if you have an assumption that others want the best for you. That is, that the giver comes from a positive place.
But how do you actually incorporate a perception that your colleagues are actually coming from a good place with their critical points? One study found that high-performing teams have 5.6 positive interactions for every negative one. Creating an appreciative environment where there are more positive interactions than negative ones is therefore essential if you are to be receptive to feedback - a point you can try to live out yourself in the first instance.
Read more about systemic management here
If you want to see a change out there - start by looking inwards
"If you want to make the world a better place, take a look at yourself, and make a change". Need I even say who the wise man behind the words is? For example, if you work in a company that does not have a good feedback culture, it is essential that you see yourself as the champion of good feedback. How do we make it less uncomfortable for others to receive feedback?
Listen first
A good way to offer constructive feedback in a positive way is to listen first. This may sound counter-intuitive. How can I tell a person what to change by listening? The point is that if you open up the topic you want to give constructive feedback on by listening to the recipient's input first, it is more easily perceived as a dialogue than a teaching stroke. For example, if you want to give constructive feedback on a colleague's presentation, you could start the conversation in the following curious way: 'how did you find the presentation today?'
Talk behavior not personality
Something that can make good and constructive feedback even harder to receive is if you feel attacked on your personality. Most people consider their personality to be relatively stable over time and context, so if you say: "you're always so negative", the point is taken more personally than if you say: "I didn't like the way you received my ideas today" and then give a concrete example. Being concrete and behavioural is more likely to make it easier to receive the critical points.
It's hard, and it takes practice
Receiving and giving feedback is difficult. It is difficult because it clashes with basic needs to be recognised in our social environment. We don't want to offend others or feel excluded. Try to incorporate a mindset that reminds you that your colleagues are coming from a good place with their points, and seek out feedback yourself. When giving feedback listen first and be specific. And then practice. Practice makes perfect.
You might be wondering why it's important to get good at giving and receiving feedback in the first place. A healthy feedback culture can actually be seen on your company's bottom line, and you can read along here and find out how.
.png)